Phrases in Job Ads and Applications viewed as Humour

In the advertisements for Job openings we normally come across some phrases and ‘the real meanings’(!) of those phrases will be as follows:-

• “COMPETITIVE SALARY” = “We will always pay less than our competitors.”

• “JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” = “We have no time/plans to train you.”

• “CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”= “We will not pay enough and we will not expect you to dress up well.

• “MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” = “You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.”

• “SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” = “Some time each night and some time each weekend.”

• “DUTIES WILL VARY” = “Anyone in the Office will boss you around.”

• “THE SELECTED CANDIDATES MAY HAVE TO WORK AT ANY OF OUR OFFICES ELSEWHERE AS DECIDED BY THE MANAGEMENT FROM TIME TO TIME” = We do not have any other office or branch; but we do not know where we will have to shift our office at any time, as the landlord of the present Office Premises is asking us to vacate at the earliest.

• “MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” = “We have no Quality control.”

• “CAREER-MINDED” = “Female Applicants must be childless, and remain that way. Male applicants must be Bachelors.

• “APPLY IN PERSON” = “If you are old, fat or ugly you will be told the position has been filled.”

• “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”= We have already filled the job vacancies and our call for resumes is just a legal formality/eye-wash

• “SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” = You will have to replace three people who have already left us.

• “PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” = You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

• “REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” = You will have the responsibilities of a Manager, without the related pay or respect.

• “GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” = Management will communicate and you must listen, figure out what they want and do it.

• “INNOVATIVE PEOPLE AND SELF STARTERS” = We do not have anybody to tell you what is to be done.

In the applications of the Job Seekers the following phrases will be inserted by the prospective employees and ‘the real meanings’(!) of the phrases used will be as follows:-

• “I AM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE” = I will pilfer office supplies.

• “MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES” = I hope you will not ask me in detail, about all the Jobs I have had.

• “I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK” = I will blame others for my mistakes.

• “I AM PERSONABLE” = I will give lot of unsolicited personal advice to my co-workers.

• “I AM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL” = I carry a Day-Timer.

• “I AM ADAPTABLE” = I have changed jobs many times.

• “I AM ON THE GO” = I will be never at my desk.

• “I AM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED” = The moment I find a better job, I will quit the job.

• “I AM INNOVATIVE AND A SELF STARTER” = I will not follow the rules and procedures of your office; I will do work in my own way and I normally do not stat my work, even if told by my superiors.

• “I WILL BE EVER GRATEFUL” = I will say “Thank You, sir!”, whenever I leave the office, on permission, almost daily.